B is for Body Image and Boundaries
Did y'all forget about me? I didn't forget about you, even though it's been more than a month since I've written! Shame on me!
Since I made you guys wait, I'm doing a 2 for 1 special! Enjoy :)
Body Image:
As a girl, I've had issues with body image for a very long time. One of my secret wishes is to look like a Victoria's Secret model, but alas, I don't think that'll happen unless I shell out a good amount of money to a plastic surgeon. For now, I'll go with what God gave me!
Fortunately, I have a husband who finds me incredibly sexy - I know this because he tells me every day :) He showers me with compliments, and I love it. Still, hearing something and actually believing it are two very different things! When I look in the mirror, I see the flaws instead of the highlights. I tend to compare myself to other women, and, by doing so, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I know I shouldn't do it, but it's something that I continue to struggle with throughout my daily life. Living in California (yes, even here in the High Desert), there are many beautiful people around. Girls are skinnier than me, have better hair than me, and have better tans than me. It's inevitable to want what they have. Loving your body the way it is doesn't come naturally to me. There's always something I want to fix.
To go in another direction (sort of), I want to address self-image. As a teen, I hated the way I looked. I was what you would call a "late bloomer" - I never felt pretty until I was in college. I didn't date much in high school... I had a boyfriend for about 4 months during my sophomore year, but that was the extent of my dating life. The lack of boyfriends didn't help raise my confidence any. My older sister was gorgeous, and it seemed like I got the short end of the stick as far as looks went. However, once the braces came off and I was introduced into the fabulous world of makeup and hair styling, changes began to take place. My confidence rose and I became the girly girl that I am today.
Mark reassures me that I am beautiful, but you know how it goes, girls... as sad as it is, compliments coming from your significant other sort of lose their "oomph" after a while, and ones from strangers seem all the more effective. We have to be careful with this, girls, because while it feels good to get those outside compliments, they can turn into trouble... which leads me to our next topic - boundaries.
Boundaries:
When Mark and I began our pre-marital class back in 2004, we were very young... 20 and 21 to be exact. Thus, a lot of what I learned in the class didn't necessarily sink in, and I forgot a lot of what we were taught. Once our class was done, the binder got put away and wasn't looked at again until just recently.
One of our lessons talked about "circles": inner, middle, and outer. Your inner circle includes you and your spouse, your children, and your children's mates. The middle circle includes your parents, siblings, other family members, and close friends. Finally, the outer circle consists of coworkers, casual friends, and acquaintances. According to this diagram, we are in our parents' inner circle, but they are not in ours - if that makes sense?
Anyway, I have had problems keeping my circles separate over the years. I have allowed my friends and family members to become too involved in my marriage. I am fortunate that my mom and I have a great relationship. I can come to her with a problem and get a different perspective on things. However, always involving my mom in my problems is not a wise thing to do. The first person that I should talk to is my husband. By skipping over Mark and going directly to other people, I am doing my marriage a HUGE disservice. It's interesting how much easier it is to talk to someone other than your spouse or significant other about relationship problems... I have a tendency to want to not "rock the boat", and therefore, I avoid raising issues with Mark, and instead raise them with people outside of my marriage. Can you see where this might be a dangerous situation? I remember my mom once told me, "Corinne, if you only come to us when you're having problems with so-and-so, we're going to view so-and-so in a negative light." It's easy to forget this little tidbit, blab to friends and family about how your man pissed you off, and then wonder why they don't like him. That said, I guess that doesn't mean that you need to share all of the good stuff either... just that you need to limit what you say in general.
Moral of this story: try to sort things out with your significant other FIRST before turning to other people. And if that doesn't work, seek counseling with someone who doesn't know you or your partner. It's best to get a completely independent view. Unfortunately, this process is easier said than done, and still, I find myself telling friends and family more than they need to know; although I've gotten much better at controlling this over recent months.
So I covered the communication boundaries, but what about the other stuff?
As an outgoing person, I am friendly with new people. Sometimes, my friendly disposition can be taken as something more than that if I am out with friends sans my husband. I don't intentionally flirt with other men, but I have been hit on and, I'll admit, it feels nice to know that I still "got it". As a married woman, I have to know when a line has been crossed and walk away from that situation before it goes any further. Now, when your marriage is going through a difficult time, it's a lot harder to walk away. You start thinking, "Hmm... this person has the qualities that so-and-so doesn't, and he obviously finds me attractive, so, wow, maybe I should keep talking to him." DANGER!! DANGER!! RED ALERT!! It's up to you to leave before you get in over your head and into trouble. The best advice I can give? Think about how you would feel if your man was doing the same thing. You'd be mad as hell if he was talking to another woman like that! Also, I heard this advice too: act as if your partner was there with you... would you still be talking to that person if your man was there? Something to think about.
To wrap up, boundaries are something that you and your partner need to discuss so that you can have a mutual understanding of what's acceptable and what isn't. Without that understanding, things can easily get out of whack, and take a turn for the worse. Mark and I have struggled with this issue, and I wasn't nearly as guarded as I should have been for most of our marriage. But thank the Lord that I have done a lot of growing up, and things have certainly changed for the better.
Since I made you guys wait, I'm doing a 2 for 1 special! Enjoy :)
Body Image:
As a girl, I've had issues with body image for a very long time. One of my secret wishes is to look like a Victoria's Secret model, but alas, I don't think that'll happen unless I shell out a good amount of money to a plastic surgeon. For now, I'll go with what God gave me!
Fortunately, I have a husband who finds me incredibly sexy - I know this because he tells me every day :) He showers me with compliments, and I love it. Still, hearing something and actually believing it are two very different things! When I look in the mirror, I see the flaws instead of the highlights. I tend to compare myself to other women, and, by doing so, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I know I shouldn't do it, but it's something that I continue to struggle with throughout my daily life. Living in California (yes, even here in the High Desert), there are many beautiful people around. Girls are skinnier than me, have better hair than me, and have better tans than me. It's inevitable to want what they have. Loving your body the way it is doesn't come naturally to me. There's always something I want to fix.
To go in another direction (sort of), I want to address self-image. As a teen, I hated the way I looked. I was what you would call a "late bloomer" - I never felt pretty until I was in college. I didn't date much in high school... I had a boyfriend for about 4 months during my sophomore year, but that was the extent of my dating life. The lack of boyfriends didn't help raise my confidence any. My older sister was gorgeous, and it seemed like I got the short end of the stick as far as looks went. However, once the braces came off and I was introduced into the fabulous world of makeup and hair styling, changes began to take place. My confidence rose and I became the girly girl that I am today.
Mark reassures me that I am beautiful, but you know how it goes, girls... as sad as it is, compliments coming from your significant other sort of lose their "oomph" after a while, and ones from strangers seem all the more effective. We have to be careful with this, girls, because while it feels good to get those outside compliments, they can turn into trouble... which leads me to our next topic - boundaries.
Boundaries:
When Mark and I began our pre-marital class back in 2004, we were very young... 20 and 21 to be exact. Thus, a lot of what I learned in the class didn't necessarily sink in, and I forgot a lot of what we were taught. Once our class was done, the binder got put away and wasn't looked at again until just recently.
One of our lessons talked about "circles": inner, middle, and outer. Your inner circle includes you and your spouse, your children, and your children's mates. The middle circle includes your parents, siblings, other family members, and close friends. Finally, the outer circle consists of coworkers, casual friends, and acquaintances. According to this diagram, we are in our parents' inner circle, but they are not in ours - if that makes sense?
Anyway, I have had problems keeping my circles separate over the years. I have allowed my friends and family members to become too involved in my marriage. I am fortunate that my mom and I have a great relationship. I can come to her with a problem and get a different perspective on things. However, always involving my mom in my problems is not a wise thing to do. The first person that I should talk to is my husband. By skipping over Mark and going directly to other people, I am doing my marriage a HUGE disservice. It's interesting how much easier it is to talk to someone other than your spouse or significant other about relationship problems... I have a tendency to want to not "rock the boat", and therefore, I avoid raising issues with Mark, and instead raise them with people outside of my marriage. Can you see where this might be a dangerous situation? I remember my mom once told me, "Corinne, if you only come to us when you're having problems with so-and-so, we're going to view so-and-so in a negative light." It's easy to forget this little tidbit, blab to friends and family about how your man pissed you off, and then wonder why they don't like him. That said, I guess that doesn't mean that you need to share all of the good stuff either... just that you need to limit what you say in general.
Moral of this story: try to sort things out with your significant other FIRST before turning to other people. And if that doesn't work, seek counseling with someone who doesn't know you or your partner. It's best to get a completely independent view. Unfortunately, this process is easier said than done, and still, I find myself telling friends and family more than they need to know; although I've gotten much better at controlling this over recent months.
So I covered the communication boundaries, but what about the other stuff?
As an outgoing person, I am friendly with new people. Sometimes, my friendly disposition can be taken as something more than that if I am out with friends sans my husband. I don't intentionally flirt with other men, but I have been hit on and, I'll admit, it feels nice to know that I still "got it". As a married woman, I have to know when a line has been crossed and walk away from that situation before it goes any further. Now, when your marriage is going through a difficult time, it's a lot harder to walk away. You start thinking, "Hmm... this person has the qualities that so-and-so doesn't, and he obviously finds me attractive, so, wow, maybe I should keep talking to him." DANGER!! DANGER!! RED ALERT!! It's up to you to leave before you get in over your head and into trouble. The best advice I can give? Think about how you would feel if your man was doing the same thing. You'd be mad as hell if he was talking to another woman like that! Also, I heard this advice too: act as if your partner was there with you... would you still be talking to that person if your man was there? Something to think about.
To wrap up, boundaries are something that you and your partner need to discuss so that you can have a mutual understanding of what's acceptable and what isn't. Without that understanding, things can easily get out of whack, and take a turn for the worse. Mark and I have struggled with this issue, and I wasn't nearly as guarded as I should have been for most of our marriage. But thank the Lord that I have done a lot of growing up, and things have certainly changed for the better.
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